Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
