I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
