Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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