I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
