Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
