The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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