sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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