I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
