ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
