$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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