What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
