I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
