my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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