for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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