Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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