I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
