I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
