so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
