just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
