I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
