so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
