I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
