I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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