i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We have so much sex to catch up on
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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