theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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