maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
