it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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