sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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