i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
