i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize