Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
