I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize