A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I need to calm my uterus...
Randomize
