he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
