Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
