Already got asked if we're dating
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
