I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
