i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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