Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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