I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
