either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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