I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
