farters have to be the big spoon...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
