We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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