I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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