you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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