I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
4 words: hood of his car
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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