he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
But we have bathrooms and they dont
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize