Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
