we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
