And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize