I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
