apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
