I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
