just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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