There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
