My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
