i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
